Originally posted on time 2 refuel:
To wake and wonder what this morn holds
To try not to blunder the way I should go
Knowing not the outcome
Nor the means to unfold
Yet I look to the Father
For to guide and disclose
A girl, alone, lost in her emotions trying hard to please them all yet never doing soA girl, alone, lost in her emotions trying to hold on, but finding she’d been let go Hear His voice, drown the noise Seek His face to find the joy Tangled as this life has been He calls us all to start again …New, brand new… Blinded and He made them see Lonely and He helped them be ….Still, so still… So here we are being “still” in the quiet of our hearts Finding that you meet us there as our feelings fall apart You hold and You cry as you wipe away our tears You are God…so very near. Blinded and He made them see Tangled then but now set free He’s there He’ll always be there A girl, so free, lost in her emotions grateful for all that He has done and will continue to do A girl, so free, lost in her emotions holding on with all her might knowing that He won’t let go He’ll never let you go
A good friend once told me that when I found myself lost in a whirlwind of chaos, or sadness to stop and literally count my blessings. Very cliché, I know. Of course I found myself thinking the obvious…how am I going to do that? Once I forced myself through it, I discovered a relief. A relief that I doubted would ever come. Yet here I am telling you. I have to say, that even within the turmoil and sadness of what seems to be a prevalent morsel of life, there is so very much to be thankful for. I’m not writing off any legitimate worries or struggles. I understand that problems are very real. However, it does help to refocus your energy on to something more positive.
When you find yourself sitting alone in the dark and you can’t seem to find the door, crawl to the window. Once open, you will experience the burst of fresh air that you so desperately longed for. It was always there, yet you could not see, nor feel it. That surge leaving only the unwavering truth behind. The truth of all that is valuable in your life, making all else seem temporary and insignificant. Only then can you genuinely appreciate your circumstances. What will you glean from your situation? Only through prayer, patience and clear thinking will you discover the answer.
Here is to focusing on the blessings. Hopefully, they will far outweigh the trials…
If you were to list all of your pain, which one would make the top of that list? Why do we constantly try to fill the voids? Why is there a void at all?
Personally, I have wasted, yes I said wasted, so much of myself, my time…my life on trying to figure out the “Whys”. I no longer want to wonder. I simply want to live. Live that life that God so desires for me. What is that life? I can’t even begin to describe it, because I have NO clue. However, I can trust that He wants me to lead a life full of joy. The life that I have made for myself has always fallen short. I can’t even come close to imagining where to start if left to do this on my own. If only, I could get to the point where I understood. There’s a lot of confusion in learning something so awesome. I mean, my mind just reels at the thought of so very much that I just don’t get yet. My tendency would be to get frustrated with myself and maybe even depressed because of the lack of strength I’d have to get through “life” in general.
I tend to constantly point the finger at the one starring back at me from the mirror. Until I finally realized, it just dawned on me, that I don’t need to make it about “who’s fault it is or who’s causing this”. It’s all about choices. So, I had to stop and see the “choices” I had made. Apparently, I had chosen to wallow in the dark. When a problem or situation seems so very horrific, it’s so painful that eventually it becomes numb, I have something inside telling me to do just one more thing. What is that thing? I have no clue, but I know there’s something that needs to be done. I can try all kinds of things and do, but I always fall short. I may correct the situation for a while, but it’s never a lifetime thing. I get a few good months if that. I convince myself that everything is so much better and that I made the right choice this time. It’s going to be all right now. Then what happens? That pit never starts off like a pit. It’s more like a pot hole, a bump in the road. So, I ignore it because we all have bad days and as far as relationships go you’re liable to have some rough ones along the way. It’s a fact we are all well aware of. However, when the pot hole starts to crack at the edges the hole gets bigger. Therefore, the bump in the road is also bigger. If left unattended, that pot hole will soon take over the entire road, due to the cracks that then vein out to affect other parts of that road. Now, tell me…wouldn’t it have been better if the pot hole was fixed at the first sight of it? Sure, traffic would have been affected and perhaps even re-routed but in the end the road would have been re-opened and traveling down that road would now be smooth and pleasurable.
There is no problem, however little it may seem, that should go unattended. Otherwise you might find yourself fighting for your life. Or at least the very thing you thought you’d never lose. The only constant is Him.
Life has a funny way of doing that. I don’t want to be a spectator…I certainly am not enjoying the view during those rough moments. So, what now? To become proactive is not a complete resolution. I would say that a better approach is surrender. I feel a need to surrender to what He wants. He won’t force me to seek Him. He won’t guilt me into it. He just waits…The vastness of His love is incomprehensible. Yet it’s the most pure love that anyone could ever hope to be enveloped in. I want that. I want to be swaddled, cradled and loved on by Him. Only then will I have true happiness. I can’t keep focusing on what others do or how that affects me. It’s all so trivial when we compare it to the simplicity of His love. Why complicate something so beautifully simple. Being human is…complicated, but we only have ourselves to blame. But it’s not about pointing fingers, it’s about freeing oneself from the false idea that we are in control. We don’t control our lives, our circumstances do. When we choose to give in to an idea, thought or plan, what do we base it on? On what works for “me”. It’s all very subjective. We begin that slippery slope of self absorption and miss out. On what? Well, because of our choices, we might never know.
My challenge for you today…Let go and let God!
There is something really special about a crisp, clean, blank sheet of paper. It calls out to me for words, words that want to be written. Writing is something that has always come very naturally to me. It’s been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. The most vivid memories for me are probably when I was just 12 years old and writing poems that bared my soul. Those poems sparked a flame that would continue to burn for years to come. Little had I known at that age, that I had started on the road toward becoming an author.
Last summer I published my very first children’s book, “Bedtime for Meaghan“. I wrote it for my daughter Meaghan. It reflects the very special moments that we would share during her bedtime routine. She always wanted a bedtime story, but not from just any old book. No, she wanted me to create it myself. So…create I did. I would make up all sorts of stories, but she had a particular one that was her favorite. Every night I would retell that story, each time adding another imaginative element. It became harder and harder to remember the exact wording, so I decided to write it down in order to record every loving detail. That’s the night that ”Bedtime for Meaghan” was born.
Since then I’ve had another child, a boy. Lucas is 6 years old now and patiently waiting on his story. Note to self…I must reward his patience with great illustrations, no pressure. His story has been written for quite some time now and ready to go. However, the illustrations on the other hand are not as easy to come by. They always seem to take much longer. Perhaps this is due to my inability to put down the eraser. I am a perfectionist that is far from perfect. So I may take some time to develop the look while sketching and painting, but I will finish. Just don’t ask me when.